the breakdown, 34

weekly thoughts and feels.

let’s get uncomfy for a second.

the surrender –

I’m the kind of person who definitely processes emotions through releasing tears, so there’s nothing unusual there. But for a few weeks, I was navigating challenges and it felt like I was never hitting the bottom of the well. Typically, I feel a feeling, cry the tears, feel the release, and move on, in that order. But for days on end, it felt like every new conversation triggered a new sensation of tears welling up in my eyes. I would hear the tiniest crack in my voice and think to myself, “Well damn, here we go again.”

Not too long ago I sat in stillness and cried. Too many things to list felt overwhelming. Everything you could think of that I would list felt too heavy to carry. I was carrying my emotions while simultaneously trying to navigate all of those around me in my personal and professional life (in a post another day I’ll discuss how no one prepared me for the emotional load that comes with people management). It was a balancing act that I was no longer doing well. Outwardly, sure. But internally I was hyperaware of the cracks. Literally waiting for one of the balls to drop and praying it wouldn’t be one that really meant much.

So I sat there in an empty house and let out my silent sobs for clarity. Help. I need help. I need it to be clear. I need to know it’s from You. Direction. Guidance. I patted my tears dry, checked my eyes to make sure they weren’t too red, and went on with the rest of my day.

Now, someone reading this might be like, “Damn, that was a lot.” But as I look at the stats, and I know most of you are mothers and wives juggling marriages, multiple children, careers, homes, schedules, and so much more, I imagine it read more like, yep… been there. Even if you don’t fall into every one of those aforementioned categories, we’re all on this spinning rock with no clue when the aliens are coming, and someone is likely causing us more headache than is needed, so you can relate. But I digress.

The following week we were driving home from a family road trip, and within five minutes I’d seen a billboard, license plate, and an exit number that all included 333. I’m not a huge follower of angel numbers, but I did a quick Google and here’s what the interwebs had to say about the key meanings of 333:

Spiritual Guidance and Support
You are surrounded and supported by angels, ascended masters, and spirit guides, who are encouraging you to grow spiritually and trust their guidance.

Creativity and Self-Expression
The number is a sign to unleash your creative talents and express yourself authentically. It's a time for your creativity to flourish and for you to communicate effectively.

Mind, Body, and Soul Alignment
333 is a call to find balance and harmony within yourself. Nurturing your mind, body, and spirit is essential to achieving true equilibrium and stepping into your full potential.

Trust and Intuition
You are being encouraged to have faith in your inner wisdom and intuition. Trust that the choices you make are the right ones and act on your instincts.

Positive Affirmation and Growth
The number brings positive affirmations, reminding you to maintain a positive outlook. It signifies growth and expansion in your personal and spiritual life.

Manifestation Power
Seeing 333 indicates a moment of powerful manifestation, whether in your personal life or in creating a new reality for your relationships.

I read it aloud in the car and was fascinated by how it felt but kept chugging along. Later that week, I received a “no.” It was odd though, because in a moment where I’d anticipated feeling rage and hurt if that was the response presented back to me, I felt calm. It was a no I was anticipating, because that is what would have aligned with previously exhibited behaviors, but I’d also had hope. But here’s the thing: the no didn’t make me mad at myself for believing I was worthy. It didn’t make me embarrassed that I was hopeful. It made me emboldened in who I am. I felt a shift.

For so long, showing up with confidence or “standing on business,” as some might say, has felt like a character I’ve had to cosplay. Parts of it felt inauthentic. For as long as I can remember, when anyone hasn’t seen or appreciated my value, the Coach has also resounded with a very loud “man, 🤫 them,” and I’ve tried to pick up that same stance and make it my own. I suppose my heart wasn’t ready. Maybe I didn’t yet see the value in myself that I was supposed to be mad at other people for not seeing.

Oh, but do I see it now. It’s funny because it wasn’t until I was talking to a friend this past weekend that I connected that maybe the angel numbers and that very difficult no were the clarity I was asking for. A door also opened soon after. I don’t know if it’s my door, but it was comforting nonetheless to feel something blossom after a moment of surrender.

There are so many things I wish I could go back and tell the younger version of myself, but I would love to witness her light up if she could feel how I feel right now. Yes, writing that line did make at least ten happy tears spring free from my eyes. It took us some time. We’re in our mid to late thirties, but if we aren’t finally at the place to know who we are. She’s stronger than she’ll ever know, and how lucky am I to keep taking us forward.

next weeks hopes –

Stick to your guns.