I just want to tippy tappy.
perfection –
We’ve been navigating the concept of perfection a lot in our house lately. The boys are at an age where they seem to be processing the potential outcomes of a situation and weighing them more heavily to influence what they will or won’t try—but also whether they believe they’re good at something to begin with. It’s been challenging to navigate because, one, I’m their mother and will scream from any rooftop that there’s nothing they can’t do. But, two, I can also acknowledge that everything they want to do won’t come easily. A lot of things will, but we seem to be at a point in their lives where a few things are weighing them down.
Another hard part about this position we find ourselves in is that so much of marriage and parenting is just holding the mirror back up to yourself. As we navigate some big feelings as a family, the Coach and I are reflecting on the ways some of their habits or thoughts show up in how we are—or how we treat ourselves. I like to think I’m pretty self-aware and on a nice healing journey, but there’s nothing like seeing your child struggle even the slightest bit to make you feel the guilt of what you must have done.
I, for example, am a recovering people pleaser. I was a straight-A and B student in high school and cried on the bus ride home as a sophomore when I got my first C… in health. It wasn’t even a core class, and I was devastated. I was awarded highest GPA in college, and I’ve been on a lifelong quest of sorts to prove myself. That I’m smart, a good student, a better friend. That I can show up for others, and, and, and. The list quite literally has no end. I say “recovering,” though, because now I’m more mindful of how I feel when I get that tug to overachieve.
All this reflection brings me to this week. In addition to my actual job(s) at work, I also lead our Black Employee Resource Group. If you’re not familiar with the concept of an ERG, the easiest way I think I can simplify them is: safe and supportive places for like folks to gather. Companies tend to have them in place in the workplace for groups like women, veterans, individuals in the LGBTQ+ community, and so much more. The sense of belonging I’ve gotten from being a member of an ERG has given me so much life that I always felt that if given the opportunity, I’d try to pay all of that love forward.
Then, I got the chance. I became co-chair with a peer, and she and I got to tag-team efforts. We also kept each other accountable. We balanced each other out so well that when she left the company, it felt like there was no way I could navigate leading by myself.
Juneteenth was on Thursday, and as a company, we got the day off. Back in April, I had so many plans to set our ERG up for success. I had dreams of a cookout. Sharing stories over Hennessy margaritas. Curating a place for us to let all of our hair down. And then a few weeks passed. And then a few more before I found myself a week out. And before I could even allow myself to think of a plan—if I have to be honest—I counted myself out.
I felt like nothing I would do would matter because it wasn’t as good as bringing people together in person like I’d hoped. I’d convinced myself that everyone was disappointed in me and was going to think less of me because I hadn’t made something happen. As I was thinking these thoughts to myself, I had to recognize that this is the same pattern of thinking we’re trying to coach out of our sons. “I’m not happy with myself/this potential outcome, so there’s no way anyone else could be proud of me or understanding.” I let myself enjoy the pity party, but the next day, I got to work.
I thought about what I could do virtually that would make the members of the ERG feel special. I leveraged ChatGPT to help get ideas of what Black-owned businesses exist that focus on helping people relax, and supporting Black artists/artisans on Etsy was one of the suggestions—so I ran with it. I got budget approval and made the cutest gift guide of Black artists to go along with a digital gift card, and it landed so well!
More importantly, here are a few things I learned:
Nothing good can happen if you count yourself out before you try. So if the fear is failing, not doing the thing (whatever it is) is just willing the fear to happen anyway. Might as well take the swing.
Very few people are so consumed with you that they are waiting for you to miss a step to broadcast that they’re disappointed. Despite feeling like someone was going to call me out as a fraud because I didn’t plan this elaborate event—that didn’t happen. People were grateful just to know they were being considered and got a cute gift of someone else’s money to spend.
Sharing where you fall short is the quickest way to help a child understand and not feel judged about their own experience. Y’all, I’ve said some version of “You think mommy is perfect?!” or “Mommy really struggles with this too” a thousand times over this week. My hope is that sharing my own battles helps remove some of the shame they feel they may need to carry.
That was a long-winded way of saying this parenting shit is hard, and any moment that you think to yourself, “Oh! This is just a them (the kids) thing,” is always an opportunity to look inward. I keep having to remind the Coach that we’ve never been at this stage of parenting before. It will always be new for as long as God blesses us to parent. We haven’t got it all figured out, and I have a feeling this season of navigating perfectionism will be around for a while, but I’m super proud of how we are showing up ready to be vulnerable. Ready to hear them out and eager to understand any challenge.
I hope one day they’ll be able to say we were there for them, but that they also saw the ways we were trying to navigate these feelings in a healthy way for ourselves too.
loving –
A new sushi spot in Suwanee. It’s a little hole-in-the-wall-ish, but delicious!
Coffee dates during the week.
Watching my dad’s relationship with all of his grandkids, of course, but watching the way my niece loves him feels like I’m witnessing how obsessed I was with my Papa and gives me alllllll the emotions.
next weeks hopes –
We’ll rollover the hope to start working on the website because that didn’t even get thought about after I typed it out 🫠.